An open letter to my EF BX- How I broke the heart of the love of my life.

I am just an awkward girl that does not know how to handle emotions. When ever something or someone get’s to close I either build a wall or I go all in. And with you baby, I went all in. It felt amazing, wonderful, great- but the danger with going all in is that the only way you can leave is to go all out. Lose everything, literrally everything that you had.

A few years ago I read an interview with Mariah Carey where she said that she’d rather performed in an sold out Staples Center than to sing for family and friends in a small and intimate get together. I could immediately relate to that feeling. I am not a superstar. I am a simple girl with complicated feelings that I don’t know how to process. I rather share my story with the entire world that I see as my sold out staples center instead of having a private conversation with you. Because that is intimate. And intimacy scares the shit out of me. 
We had a perfect life. We were that couple that everyone wanted to be. Not a single day passed without cracking each other up. We laughed so  much.. We were compatible in every aspect. Looks, brains, body and soul. You truly were and always be my soulmate. I do believe when God created you he chose me to find you on this earth when our time was there. And we did. We found each other and our relationship was fantastic. But still I left you. And nobody understood why. You did not understand why.
If I would look up the word „Perfection” in the dictionary- there would be your picture directly next to the word. To me you are perfect. Your beautiful blond hair and amazing blue eyes that can still make my heart skip a beat. The way you have dimples in your cheeks when you laugh, the way you brush your hair with your left hand when I make you nervous. Or excited. The way you live you life. Strong, admirable, respectful humble, sexy, powerful, caring, passionately, loving. You are such a proud person. So tough on the outside, and inside. But not with me. With me you were soft. Understanding. Kind. Loving. Everything.
During our entire relationship I never saw you cry. Not even when your best friend died. You felt sad but said that you could not allow your tears to get the “best of you” and that you would only cry if something happened you knew you could not recover from. The day I left you, you cried. So much. And I realized that I broke your heart. But what you must understand is that during the last months of our relationship every single day I was breaking my own heart. And it hurted so much. 
I was broken.A broken doll. Damaged goods. You deserved so much more than me. I often wondered why you were with me. Why you did not leave me after everything I put you through. You are such a good man, someone who deserves an equal. Not somebody less than him. Don’t get me wrong. I did not always see myself this way. But at some point in our relationship I just lost it. I lost myself in our relationship. I lost my identity. You and I became a WE but who was I? You knew exactly who you were and what you wanted out of life but I did not know anything else than that I was your girlfriend, your future wife. But that thought suffocated me. I wanted more. I wanted to know how I could define my future. I wanted to find out how I could leave my legacy on this planet and by just being a ‚wife’-. well that just did not cut it. 
Remember that scene in the Titanic (you must, I made you watch that movie a million times) when Rose enters the Titanic and she talks about how her life looks perfect on the outside, but on the inside she is screaming. That was me. I was screaming internally every day. Every fucking day. And you noticed. When you looked me in my eyes you saw that I was drowning. You saw that I was hurting and that I could not breath. The endless fights that we had over this where you begged me, screamed at me to tell me what was wrong. I never forget that day where you kneeled down to the ground and hugged my hips, crying and begging me to talk and that you could not ‚Do this anymore’. I froze. I could not say anything, like always. You, the wealthy and powerful businessman, the man nobody could bring down, was brought down, literally, sitting on his knees, begging and crying. You were brought down by the one person that could make you do anything you always said you would never do. But than and there at that moment I made a decision.
I would leave you. The thought that I was the person that put you through this was horrible. The thought that I was your weakness frightened me. I’d rather break my own heart a million times by leaving the best thing that ever happend to me than to even break your heart once. That thought for me was unbearable. It was horrible for me to see you so powerless knowing that you in fact were powerless. There was nothing at that point that you could have done for me. You have not failed me. You asked me this in several text messages after we broke up. I failed myself. I had to regroup and recover. Alone. I needed space. And I took it. Maybe that was selfish of me but we would never have had a happy ending if we continued the way we did.
Even though you wanted to save me and you tried to save me. But the only way you could save me was to let me go and to let me find my own way. I did loved and love that about you. You always tried to save me. To fix me. To be my hero. But you know, sometimes a girl needs to be her own hero and save her self. 
“I had everything, but I chose to have nothing, so I can build towards something, anything of my own”.
I gave up everything. The money, the fancy apartment, the summerhouses, the cars with private drivers, the never-ending holidays but most of all, I gave up you.
My life is so different now than when I was with you. I live in my own city apartment, I pay my own rent, I drive my bike to work (yes an actual bicycle, and I really like it)- I started writing and painting again. I went to therapy where I worked really hard on dealing with my depression and with my struggle in finding my own identity again. I am starting to feel like a whole person again.
I never wanted you to complete me. I want to feel complete (or as complete as someone can feel) and I wanted you to be of an added value to my life. I wanted to feel valuable first and now I do. It is a bitter sweet feeling because I left the one I loved the most find myself. I fell out of love with you in order to fall in love with myself again.
And I did. I love myself and maybe more important I like myself again. I like the person who I have become and you are such a big part of the reason why I am where I am today.
You made the bigger sacrifice by letting the love of your love go with no other reason than to allow me to find myself again. You did not do it for you, like how my main reason to leave you was to ‘FIX ME”. Your reasons were pure and not selfish.
You once told me that if you really love something you will set it free (and if it comes back it was ‚Yours’ and if it doesn’t, it never was). I never understood this. Why would you let something that you love go. You would want to keep that close to you right? You would want to fight for something that you love right? But sometimes the best fight is to surrender. And you did. If you love someone, you will put his or her happiness before your own. So even though it did break your heart, you did let me go because you knew that that would be the best thing for me. So in the end, even though I tried to save my self you still did save me. Because if you did not let me go I would never be here where I am today.
It is ironic how we both decided to break our own hearts so we did not had to break each others hearts. 
I had time to heal my heart and if there is anything I can do to heal yours let me know. Cause there is not a single thing in this world that I would not do for you.
Love always, x

My Awkward Encounters- On a plane to Oslo

Hey lovelies!

How are you today? I am doing great!
I have decided to continue with the ‘My Awkward Encounters’ column. I wrote a series about my ‘awkward encounters between me and my hot neighborboy’ and it was always so much fun to share these stories with you. Since me and the hottie neighborboy are close to over, well, over, I thought that instead of writing about him, I could continue to write about my awkward encounters. Because trust me, I am an awkward girl, getting in awkward situations, all the time. So why not let you enjoy these with me?

I have already got plenty of situations that I want to share but let’s start with the one of this morning.. –
12191603_459822214224738_9188441319696984192_nI am writing this to you from the plane on my way to Oslo. I will celebrate my birthday there. In the past decade I have never celebrated my birthday in the city or country I actually live in. For me it is such a great time to actually go abroad with loved ones to celebrate your life!

Because that is something everyone should do. Celebrate yourself! Be happy and thankful and love yourself!

In the past I have celebrated my birthday in Brussels, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Jakarta, Bali, Copenhagen and I thought this time Oslo was an amazing destination.

As you all know I currently live in Antwerp and I had such a busy month of traveling. I went to Malaga, Madrid, Barcelona, Rome, Porto, Dublin, Nice, Paris, Munich and Berlin and even though my body kind of wanted to have a quiet time at home just relaxing and celebrating my birthday at my own place I could not resist it.

You can never stop a wandering heart I guess. 

I can not wait to go back to Oslo and to explore the city and of course to take lots of pictures for you so we can enjoy this city together. I will also do a review at the Radisson Blu Plaza hotel which I can’t wait for. The hotel is gorgeous and it has it’s own sky bar at the 34th floor of the building, sounds perfect right?

While I am writing this, as I mentioned I am in the plane now and I have the „middle seat’, it always sucks when you have the middle seat. I actually have to pee now but my neighbor is sleeping so I can not get out. Haha. Normally people would just wake those sleepy heads but this guy is already so annoyed with me and I do not want to piss him of even more. Before the plane took of and we were waiting due to a passenger that was late I asked him if I could get up cause I needed something from my bag that was already in the overhead luggage department. He gave me this awkward stare, roled his eyes and got up so I could pass. It really was like I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I tried to make one of my (obviously failed and awkward jokes) by saying, I hate being in the aisle sea because than I always had to bother peoplet. Obvi, this was the joke cause he was in the aisle seat but he did not get it, actually, I also don’t get it anymore when I am writing this but when I said it I thought it was somewhat funny. haha. He corrected me: „ I am in the aisle seat, you are ‚JUST’ inn the middle seat”. – „just in the middle seat? What is wrong with being in the middle seat? Is that for peasants or something? –Okay, thank you sir for pointing that out.

I went to get something from my bag and this dude actually sat back down. After I think approximately 3 minutes, when I came back I got yet another annoyed look. I asked him if I could ‚Please” sit down. It felt like I was asking him a favor, to be able to sit, in my own freaking seat. He got up and roled his eyes again. I am sorry, but what did you expect? That I would just not come back anymore or I would disappear like I am some kind of Houdini magic act. Dumb ass dude.

12191862_459822114224748_1449451219035954418_nBut let’s continue. I will share my current situation. I am now stuck between a
lovely old American guy
that is sleeping and snoring a bit and between the Norwegian guy who is annoyed with
me that is also sleeping while probably dreaming of pushing me out of the plane. 
In the picture it almost looks like he is posing for the picture, haha. But obviously he is not. The picture still cracks me up. He thought I was so annoying, but I will always have a great picture to remember my awkward moment with him: 12187857_459822224224737_2990001567947473714_n
And than there are these boys. Oh- MY-GOD! I am not sure if you can see them clearly on the picture but they are gorgeous. I mean G.O.R.G.E.O.U.S and obviously something awkward happend. ( You can’t see them clearly in the pic though, it is the guy that is standing and the blondie to his right).12191544_459822167558076_812448008699724323_nThey are extremely tall, it would not surprise me if they were basketballplayers cause they do have that height and body. They are blond and blue eyed (HALLLO, Totally my vikingtype). When we were walking down the aisle the boys were actually right behind me. They were talking with each other so the one directly behind me looked back at his friend while talking to him. When I reached my seat I had to put my luggage in the overhead department so I bend over to pick my trolley up so I could lift it. The guy directly behind me did not see that cause he was looking behind him talking to his friend which caused this awkward situation: Me, bending over with my ass directly in his, well, you know what and him bumping in to my ass. I almost fell but fortunately I could still regroup and recover. I said, well, normally it does not go this fast, you could at least introduce yourself first. He laughed so hard and I laughed too. Yes, at least one joke that worked. He introduced him self and he even helped me with my luggage. Than, when he lifted my luggage to store it his t-shirt lived and I saw his body. I do not know why I have this obvious reaction to hot body’s, I wish I could be smooth and subtle but before it I said: Damn….while having my mouth dropped all the way to the floor. OMG, I felt like such a perf! Haha. When I realized that I said that out loud and that was not a sound in my head I immediately said sorry while standing there feeling extremely embarrassed. Than he did something that totally surprised me. He said no girl, and he looked at me from head to toe and said, Damnnnn and he blinked- too.

I wanted to blink back but I remembered, I can’t blink, it always looks like a weird twitch, so I did not. I thought I embarrassed myself enough for one morning.

We both laughed and I sat down. This happend I think within 2 minutes but it felt like it lasted forever.

So there you are, I am not even in Oslo yet and i already had my awkward moments. I can not wait to experience more, knowing myself I will have plenty of these moments and when I do I will share them with you directly! 🙂

12063768_459823820891244_8879174193525244333_nxoxo

Follow my adventures on my Instagram: DOBEGLOBE


An open letter to my crush.

Hey you,

You beautiful boy. This one is for you. And the funny thing is, you will probably not even know that I wrote this for and about you. You are not very keen on social media so I wonder if you would even click the link you see that will lead you to this post but if you do, this one is for you baby.

I am crushing hard on you. From the moment I have met you I felt something I did not feel in a long time. You are special, so special and I do not even think you realize how special you are. When I saw you I felt this instant attraction and for me this was weird because you are not my standard ‘type’. You are not the blond viking’ish looking scandinavian guy, no you, you were different. Tall, dark (‘ish ) and handsome. So handsome that I could not keep my eyes of of you.

For me it is so easy to read men. For me men are simple (and no I do not mean to insult anyone over here). But the guys I meet, I can read them, they are an open book for me. But you, you ar a big mystery for me. I could not read anything. And it fascinates me.
Sometimes I noticed that I was just staring at you. Watching you move and watching you be in a moment and it made me smile. You really march to the beat of your own drum, and that is what I like about you and what I admire about you. 
94f5939fe4bc30afb4adccdfba188d51They say that opposites attract and I consider myself to be your opposite. However I have noticed a few things were we also are quite similar.
Normally I feel very comfortable around men, but with you I felt a bit insecure. Where normally I have a lot of game, with you I had 0 game, like seriously, 0. I was too afraid to say something stupid that I chose in situations to say nothing at all.

You are the perfect combination of cute and sexy, attractive, handsome and hot. So hot. If I would have had to create my definition of the perfect guy, it would be you. You are extremely smart, ambitious, kind, polite and so beautiful. You have great manners, manners that blow me away and I did not know that guys like you still existed. You are so amazing. You have these ‘weird’ habits that are actually kinda geeky but I really like them. You do things that no other guy that I know does and for some reason they make me shy around you. And those things make you so adorable.

You are the kind of guy I could kiss forever. From the evening till the morning without getting bored. I could stay up all night and talk to you about everything. You are such an interesting and intelligent person and if you could have impressed me so much in the small amount of time we spend together, imagine how mindblown I will be after a few more weeks.

12189943_458932977646995_8927662546391312870_nIn just a few days you have inspired me more than people I have known for such a long time. You have done so much for me, more than you will probably ever realize and for that I am forever thankful. You made me want to be a better version of myself. I want to be someone that can meet your standards.

I wish I could get to know you better but that is such an unrealistic thought since I think that this crush is a one way street. And besides that, we do not even live in the same city, let alone the same country. So I will just let it be and admire you from a distance and secretly hope that one day you will say: “Hey I am coming to Antwerp, wanna meet?”. And I will already hate your future girlfriend because I will be so jealous of her. Because with you she definitely won the lottery. And you know why? Because you really are the best person ever.
unnamedThis could be us. But you probably hate The Notebook. Haha. In stead of see you forever, I will have to say, See you never. xoxo

PS: If you think that this might have could be written for you, I challenge you to ask me if I wrote this for you..

The awkward encounters of me and my hot neighbor boy: The final chapter.

Hey lovelies.

I am sorry for not being able to talk to you in a while. There has been a lot going on in my life lately, a full post about this subject will follow this week because it is quite a personal story that I am willing to share, only I need the time to put in in to words.

I had to take some time for my self to get some things together. And now I did and I am ready to be yours again. Later this week I will share my personal update but first I would like to finish the series of ‘My awkward encounters of me and my hot neighbor boy’ – so I can continue with a fresh slate that I so desperately needed for quite some time actually.

In the last article I wrote about him, us everything was perfect. I became his girlfriend and we had a fantastic time. I could probably fill a few more articles about the fun stuf we did, the beautiful moments that we shared and all the awkward encounters but I decided that I would not do this anymore. The relationship that we had, how short it was, was extremely toxic and not a good relationship to be in. I could see it in the little signs before we were in the relationship but I still chose to be in this relationship.
Why you might ask? – I wish I could give you an answer but I honestly just can’t. It is difficult to explain but I will try.

A few weeks ago during a dinner with some people the following topic came up and this question was asked me: “Why do you only date bitchboys’ (as in loser guys and guys I know I do not have a real future with and those that not necessarily treat me well all the time. Unpredictable and unstaple guys”. I gave a random response and laughed it off but it actually got me thinking. Why do I only date ‘bitchboys’ ?

The real answer is,  is that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt (again) and afraid to give myself to someone, put myself out there, where my heart on my sleeve and just wait for the second it gets ripped off and broken to a million pieces. But if I date these ‘bitchboys’ I have all the control, I do not like them that much anyway and I know that I do not have a future with them but it is fun for the time being and they do not have the capacity to hurt me- and that makes me go for guys like that. – Does this make any sense to you?

“Love like you have never been hurt’- Can you do that? For the past few months I could not..but I am willing to try again. I am willing to dust my shoulders, pick my self up and just try again. (yes do you hear that Aaliyah and Timbaland song playing in your head now too?And for me to start with that, I have to get ‘rid of the old, so I have room for the new’.

With the end of this series, I do not want to say that I considered my hot neighborboy to be one of these ‘bitchboys’ but realistically we were not a good match. Where he reminded me of a mixture between Chuck Bass, Harvey Specter and Christian Grey his dominants was not something I could handle nor want in my life. He is a good guy but he is just not the guy for me. And I am not the girl for him.

Therefor, this will be the final chapter in this series. I have decided though that I will continue writing about my (dating) life as I am still the same weird and awkward girl I have always been. I actually have been in some weird situations again and I can not wait to share those with you.

I hope you guys will understand my decision and I actually need your help.. For my new series of columns that will be about me and my (dating) life I need a new name.
Do you have any suggestions? Let me know down below!

The winner / the title I will chose will actually get a really nice gift from me.

Talk to you guys soon. xoxo

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