DEED-zember; Time to give back!


Hello lovelies!

Well, what do you know, it is already December. Oh wait, and even the second week is about to start in 24 hours. Where did the time go? Everything happend so fast this year..I can not believe that we already will start a new year in just a matter of a few days.

But before this year is over I want you to reflect on it and see if you have done everything that you wanted to do this year. Have you checked everything of your ‘2015 to do list’?

If not, it is time to get up of your ass and start making things happen. Of course we need to stay realistic, not everything will be manageable to doing in the last 3 weeks of this year but there must be something you can do!  Especially for someone else. Therefor I created Deedzember! 

December is for most of us a very happy and joyful month full of celebrations, but it is not like that for everyone. I just want you to look around you and see where YOU can help.
You don’t have to be a millionaire to make a difference! You can help with your heart too.

Here is a list of things you can do if you are totally blank on this one:
– Help out in a soup kitchen
– Join a program that is feeding the homeless
– Make homecooked meals and drive around your city- and give them to the homeless. There are more homeless people than you might think
-Donate clothing to a refugee camp
-Collect (old) new toys for the kids in a refugee camp
-Organize a mini fundraiser for your favorite charity
-Visit an elderly home and spend time with those that might have no one left anymore

But you can also keep it a bit closer to home:
-Write your parents a ‘Thank you’ letter and tell them everything you are thankful for
-Make a meal for that one struggling friend, bring it over and just have an all nighter where you talk the night away.
-Sweep the fallen leaves of the porch of your (elderly) neighbor
– Ask if there are tasks that you can help with too; mowing the lawn, washing the windows

There are so many small things you can do that can mean the world for someone else. Acknowledge each others presence and be kind to each other.

What good deed can you do for someone else? Let me know!

3 signs to recognize depression

Hey lovelies,

Today I will share yet another post about my personal depression story. I have written an article about ‘The story behind my smile’ almost a month ago and I got a lot of sweet and supportive reactions. (Click here for that post)
The reason why I wrote that post is in order to inspire others and to let you know that it will be okay. I have ‘survived’ depression and even though I still feel down at times, I am not in that big black hole I once was in.

The thing with depression is that more people have had depressions than you might think. Dealing with depression is difficult. Hiding it is not.

I remember when I had my ‘big coming out party’ where I told my family and closest friends about my depression and that it was time for me to seek help. (almost) nobody saw it coming. I became a master in hiding it.

It was so weird. I did wanted help. I just did not want to ask for it. Asking for help was (and sometimes is) so difficult cause I am a very proud person. I do not like to show my weaknesses so I kinda strung my self along un till I hit rock bottom. And than I decided that the life I was leading was not the life I wanted to lead and that therapy was something I could really benefit from.

During my time of depression, sometimes I was dissapointed in my family and friends. ‘Why did they not offer me help, I mean, isn’t it obvious that I am not doing well?’ – I kinda played the victim role cause that was easier than to admit that if I wanted help, I should just ask for it.

However, I still want to share some signs that I thought were clear for others to see but appearently were not. I really want you to read them carefully and look in your innercircle, look at your friends, colleagues and try to see people. Acknowledge them, see their real colors. And if you recognize some of these signs just ask them this 1 question:
“So, how are you really doing” … I guarentee you you will get some answers you never thought were possible…and who knows, you can be the gamechanger in this persons life….

When a person is happy you won’t see a dramatic difference in their weight. Unless of course someone is intentionally trying to lose weight and is on  a strict diet. With me, it was the other way around. During my depression I gained almost 17 kilo. This was something I was really embarrassed about at first but trust me, when you feel fucked up on the inside, the outside does not really matter. I know that people noticed that I gained wait, obviously, 17 kilo is really a lot but nobody really asked me about it. Yes, it is an awkward subject, “hey you used to look different in a bikini, what happend’ is not a question anyone would like to get, but sometimes it is needed. By asking about it (and of course it is not nice to hear) you really can be someones wake up call. To be honest, at some point I did not even realize how much weight I have gained. I knew that I did not fit my clothes anymore. But than I just went to the store and bought some new stuff. By addressing this subject you will create a window to have an even deeper conversation

OMG, did I really just say smizing? Oh yea, I did. I think it is so annoying, the way Ms. Banks uses this term. For those who never watched America’s Next Top Model; smizing is smiling with your eyes.
When you are depressed it is easy to fool people with ‘smiling’ with your lips or even laughing a bit out loud. But eyes are really the window to your soul. When someone is laughing, try to see if their eyes are laughing too. Is someone genuinly happy or is that person faking it. I have fake laughed so many times during my depression my jaw started to hurt. But still everyone thought I was this perfect girl in her perfect girl living the perfect life, while on the inside I was broken.

The best place of a depressed person is back at home in their own bed. During my depression I spend most of my time in bed. Of course I still went to work, kept up appearance – but the second work was over I went directly home. For me this was a weird thing because I have always been a very outgoing girl. I also always loved cocooning at home, but I also went out a lot. At some point I just stopped. The thought of being in a busy and hectic crowd drove me crazy and I even felt so depressed by just the thought of it. I spend so much time at home and I isolated myself from others. I always gave some lame excuse until I reached the point where I would even ignore my own boyfriend.- So really try to look in the change of behavior of people. Is that one really outgoing friend suddenly not going out anymore or perhaps the other way around- maybe someone who never went out is extensively going out, getting drunk- doing who knows what.

I am not saying that if someone does these 3 things (or one of them) that that person is depressed. Of course there can be other factors too. People change, people act differently or want different things in life. I am just sharing the things where I kinda gave away that I was depressed but nobody noticed. So I do want you to look around and perhaps if you suspect that there is something going on in someones life, there probably is. Don’t be shy and just ask about it. Even if you think it is none of your business. Show that person that they are not alone- cause I can guarantee you, that person is dealing with a depression, he or she is feeling alone. And that is the worst feeling out there.

Be kind to others. Be kind to your self.
Perhaps we know eachother, perhaps we don’t. Either way, you can always send me a message and I will try my best to help you, or at least just to be there for you…

Have you ever dealt with depression or know someone who dealt with depression? How did you recognize it? 









5 Fantastic Travel Instagram accounts you should be following right NOW!

Hey lovelies!    ☾  ☼

Schermafbeelding 2015-11-15 om 20.00.08Today I will share with you some of my favorite travel IG’s. I love Instagram. I think it is such an amazing social media platform where you can inspire others and where you can find inspiration. I often spend hours and hours just looking up inspring pictures and I come across great accounts that inspire me to travel more and go to places where I have never been before! Or to revisit places I have been before.
I did not put my own Instagram in my current top 5 accounts but if you like, feel free to visit my Instagram too and allow me to take you with me on all my trips. From Bali to Rome, From Berlin to Kuala Lumpur! Visit my gallery here:


Schermafbeelding 2015-11-15 om 19.49.34Jack Morris is the face behind the amazingly inspiring Instagram account @DOYOUTRAVEL. If I could ever chose to go on a date with a fellow traveler it would be this guy. He is such a big inspiration for me, not just because he travels a lot like I do too, but the way he knows how to capture the exact moment that makes a picture just fantastic. He is such a talented photographer and movie maker (check out his YT channel too). From Bali to Thailand, from Europe to the US- He has seen it all and he captures all the great moments for us. 
Check out his Instagram account or his Youtube Channel for more inspiration!

2.  @ERWNCHOWSchermafbeelding 2015-11-15 om 19.43.59Erwin Chow is an amazing Photographer from Long Beach California. His Instagram gallery is the perfect combination of beautiful pictures with an urban feel and pictures with a beachy vibe. From pictures of the Santa Monica Pier to pictures of the Oakland Bay Bridge, The Hollywood Sign to pics of skyscrapers- He captures them all, perfectly. For us to enjoy.
Visit his gallery here: *Click!

3.  @SARAHKJPSchermafbeelding 2015-11-15 om 19.40.02Sarah Vickers is the founder of the website 
On her Instagram account, with an impressive following of 337K followers she will take you along her trip to the most beautiful destinations. Currently she is exploring Italy. You can admire her beautiful pictures at her Instagram!

4. @MURADOSMANNSchermafbeelding 2015-11-15 om 19.58.38Oh my, where to start with this account. This account is everything. #relationshipgoals, #travelgoals, #awesomepeople.
If you have about 3,5 million followers on IG you must be doing something right, right?
They have started the trend where couples take pictures, holding hands, where you only see the girl from the back and the guys hand holding her. The pictures focus more on the view than on the people in it. Well okay, in their case it is a bit different because Nataly is always as equally stunning as the background but still. They visit the most beautiful places and Murad is definitely a fantastic photographer. He captures his wife and the background in the most beautiful way and that truly makes his Instagram account an inspiring one!

Follow the Adventures of Murad and his beautiful wife Nataly at his Instagram!

5.  @SJANAELISESchermafbeelding 2015-11-15 om 20.08.03
This Australian beauty of only 20 years old with currently 1 million IG followers has truly a gorgeous gallery. Her Instagram is not just about traveling but she posts pictures of herself doing yoga and eating healthy meals too. This fun and bubbly girl inspires me in many ways. Even though we are almost a decade apart in age (omg, I feel so old now) I think she is a good example of how to live your life in your twenties. She has this young, wild and free vibe all over her and she comes across as a happy and strong individual who tries to live her life to the fullest! Girl, you are doing an amazing job! And for those that are not following her yet, visit her page, you will love her!

Follow her travels at her Instagram or check out her blog!

I hope you got a lot of inspiration throughout his post and by visiting these amazing gallery’s. Who are your favorite travelbloggers and who’s IG account do you love to visit? 
Let me know! I am very curious ! 

♡ xoxo♡

An open letter to my EF BX- How I broke the heart of the love of my life.

I am just an awkward girl that does not know how to handle emotions. When ever something or someone get’s to close I either build a wall or I go all in. And with you baby, I went all in. It felt amazing, wonderful, great- but the danger with going all in is that the only way you can leave is to go all out. Lose everything, literrally everything that you had.

A few years ago I read an interview with Mariah Carey where she said that she’d rather performed in an sold out Staples Center than to sing for family and friends in a small and intimate get together. I could immediately relate to that feeling. I am not a superstar. I am a simple girl with complicated feelings that I don’t know how to process. I rather share my story with the entire world that I see as my sold out staples center instead of having a private conversation with you. Because that is intimate. And intimacy scares the shit out of me. 
We had a perfect life. We were that couple that everyone wanted to be. Not a single day passed without cracking each other up. We laughed so  much.. We were compatible in every aspect. Looks, brains, body and soul. You truly were and always be my soulmate. I do believe when God created you he chose me to find you on this earth when our time was there. And we did. We found each other and our relationship was fantastic. But still I left you. And nobody understood why. You did not understand why.
If I would look up the word „Perfection” in the dictionary- there would be your picture directly next to the word. To me you are perfect. Your beautiful blond hair and amazing blue eyes that can still make my heart skip a beat. The way you have dimples in your cheeks when you laugh, the way you brush your hair with your left hand when I make you nervous. Or excited. The way you live you life. Strong, admirable, respectful humble, sexy, powerful, caring, passionately, loving. You are such a proud person. So tough on the outside, and inside. But not with me. With me you were soft. Understanding. Kind. Loving. Everything.
During our entire relationship I never saw you cry. Not even when your best friend died. You felt sad but said that you could not allow your tears to get the “best of you” and that you would only cry if something happened you knew you could not recover from. The day I left you, you cried. So much. And I realized that I broke your heart. But what you must understand is that during the last months of our relationship every single day I was breaking my own heart. And it hurted so much. 
I was broken.A broken doll. Damaged goods. You deserved so much more than me. I often wondered why you were with me. Why you did not leave me after everything I put you through. You are such a good man, someone who deserves an equal. Not somebody less than him. Don’t get me wrong. I did not always see myself this way. But at some point in our relationship I just lost it. I lost myself in our relationship. I lost my identity. You and I became a WE but who was I? You knew exactly who you were and what you wanted out of life but I did not know anything else than that I was your girlfriend, your future wife. But that thought suffocated me. I wanted more. I wanted to know how I could define my future. I wanted to find out how I could leave my legacy on this planet and by just being a ‚wife’-. well that just did not cut it. 
Remember that scene in the Titanic (you must, I made you watch that movie a million times) when Rose enters the Titanic and she talks about how her life looks perfect on the outside, but on the inside she is screaming. That was me. I was screaming internally every day. Every fucking day. And you noticed. When you looked me in my eyes you saw that I was drowning. You saw that I was hurting and that I could not breath. The endless fights that we had over this where you begged me, screamed at me to tell me what was wrong. I never forget that day where you kneeled down to the ground and hugged my hips, crying and begging me to talk and that you could not ‚Do this anymore’. I froze. I could not say anything, like always. You, the wealthy and powerful businessman, the man nobody could bring down, was brought down, literally, sitting on his knees, begging and crying. You were brought down by the one person that could make you do anything you always said you would never do. But than and there at that moment I made a decision.
I would leave you. The thought that I was the person that put you through this was horrible. The thought that I was your weakness frightened me. I’d rather break my own heart a million times by leaving the best thing that ever happend to me than to even break your heart once. That thought for me was unbearable. It was horrible for me to see you so powerless knowing that you in fact were powerless. There was nothing at that point that you could have done for me. You have not failed me. You asked me this in several text messages after we broke up. I failed myself. I had to regroup and recover. Alone. I needed space. And I took it. Maybe that was selfish of me but we would never have had a happy ending if we continued the way we did.
Even though you wanted to save me and you tried to save me. But the only way you could save me was to let me go and to let me find my own way. I did loved and love that about you. You always tried to save me. To fix me. To be my hero. But you know, sometimes a girl needs to be her own hero and save her self. 
“I had everything, but I chose to have nothing, so I can build towards something, anything of my own”.
I gave up everything. The money, the fancy apartment, the summerhouses, the cars with private drivers, the never-ending holidays but most of all, I gave up you.
My life is so different now than when I was with you. I live in my own city apartment, I pay my own rent, I drive my bike to work (yes an actual bicycle, and I really like it)- I started writing and painting again. I went to therapy where I worked really hard on dealing with my depression and with my struggle in finding my own identity again. I am starting to feel like a whole person again.
I never wanted you to complete me. I want to feel complete (or as complete as someone can feel) and I wanted you to be of an added value to my life. I wanted to feel valuable first and now I do. It is a bitter sweet feeling because I left the one I loved the most find myself. I fell out of love with you in order to fall in love with myself again.
And I did. I love myself and maybe more important I like myself again. I like the person who I have become and you are such a big part of the reason why I am where I am today.
You made the bigger sacrifice by letting the love of your love go with no other reason than to allow me to find myself again. You did not do it for you, like how my main reason to leave you was to ‘FIX ME”. Your reasons were pure and not selfish.
You once told me that if you really love something you will set it free (and if it comes back it was ‚Yours’ and if it doesn’t, it never was). I never understood this. Why would you let something that you love go. You would want to keep that close to you right? You would want to fight for something that you love right? But sometimes the best fight is to surrender. And you did. If you love someone, you will put his or her happiness before your own. So even though it did break your heart, you did let me go because you knew that that would be the best thing for me. So in the end, even though I tried to save my self you still did save me. Because if you did not let me go I would never be here where I am today.
It is ironic how we both decided to break our own hearts so we did not had to break each others hearts. 
I had time to heal my heart and if there is anything I can do to heal yours let me know. Cause there is not a single thing in this world that I would not do for you.
Love always, x

Things i’ve learned in my 28 years on this earth part 1.

Schermafbeelding 2015-09-12 om 21.06.47

Hey lovelies!

Tomorrow, or well in just a few hours I will turn 29. Damn, how fast does the time fly by right. I can’t believe i’m almost hitting the dirty thirty but hey, i’m not there yet.

I decided to write this post to share some of my knowledge I have gained through out the years. I think we can all learn from each other and therefor I hope I can teach you some things. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, my failures, my succeses and my experiences. So here we go..

If you are lucky enough to still have your parents spend time with them. As we are growing up, they are growing older. They will not be here forever. No matter what your situation with hem is now, they are the ones that created you. Without them you would not be here. Appreciate that. Appreciate them. Even if you don’t live with them anymore. Call them up sometimes. Not when you need something. But ask them how they are doing. Get to know them, love them, treasure them.

People come and go. Friends come and go. Some people will disappoint you, you will disappoint people. But real friends will be there no matter what. You do not need a lot of friends. A handful is much better. Do not ‘waste’ your time investing in everyone you have met. Of course it is good to be social but real friends, you just need a few. Invest in them and let them know they matter to you- never assume.

To follow up on that point. Never assume. There is this saying that when you ‘Assume’ you make and ‘Ass’ out of ‘U’ and ‘ME’ and it is kind of true. Do not set your self up for disaster by expecting things without clear communication. If you want to know something, ask it. If you need something, get it. Never let things go by, just assuming.

Love is the most beautiful emotion and feeling out there. Love will make you feel good and bad, sometimes at the same time. Do not run away from love, open your arms and embrace it. Love like you have never been hurt before, even though it is f*cking hard. Just someone hurt you in your past does not mean that the next one will hurt you too. And if they do- that is life. Do not deprive yourself of something that could possibly be so good. Love others and let them know that you do. 3 words, 8 letters can be so magical and powerful. Do not let the one you love go on without them knowing how you exactly feel.

Do not only have love for others. But also love yourself. A lot. Look at yourself in the mirror and give your self some compliments. Tell yourself you are beautiful because, baby, you are. You are gorgeous. Do not set to high expectations for your self, be reasonable, be realistic. Be kind to your self. Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself something nice. You are the person you are stuck with for the rest of your live. Why not have a great relationship with yourself? Try to be your own best friend.

Forgive yourself, forgive others. Do not let hatred fill your heart. Maybe you have been through so much sadness and pain. Maybe someone has hurt you so much that you don’t know how to forget that. But that is not what I am asking of you. You can probably never forget that certain moment, however, you can chose to forgive someone. Work hard on that and your reward will be huge..

If there is something I wish for all of you is to travel. Go out, see the world. Explore, discover and enjoy our beautiful earth. You are not here forever and the world is so beautiful. Why only see a small part of it. I don’t have money or I don’t have time are just excuses. If you can not afford a world trip and don’t have the possibility to save up for this, explore the country that you are in. There is so much more than just your hometown. Traveling will give you so much more than you can ever imagine. You will learn so much about the world, about others, but most importantly about yourself.

Read read read. Continue to educate yourself. Be curious, never stop reading. Nothing is better than getting lost in a book, in a story, in the thoughts of someone else. There are so many great books out there. Find out what kind of genre you like and just get lost in it. Find your favorite author (Mine are Fitzgerald and Bukowski). Let them inspire you.

Your body is your temple. You only get one of those. Take care of it like it is a sacred temple, because it kind of is. Stay in shape, eat healthy, brush your teeth (yes this sounds maybe so random, but really, do it 2/3 a day). Exercise, not to lose weight but to feel good.

You are always good enough. You are enough. Never change yourself for someone else or let others tell you that you are not (good) enough, because you are. You are beautiful and you have your imperfections like anyone else, but that makes you YOU. That makes you unique. Cherish your self and look at your positive qualities. Make a list of them and read them every now and again.

Be a kind and warm person. Be understanding towards other people. Nobody is born a bitch or an asshole. Do not let your past influence you in a bad way by becoming a bitter soul. If you have been through stuff, forgive those people, forgive your self. Do not judge others. Do not let your insecurity rule you. Be a nice person.

Laughing is so important. Smile and laugh every day. And if you do not feel happy, try to find something that makes you feel happy.

Always do what makes you happy. Do not live your life for others. Do not try to make others happy. Try to make yourself happy. Maybe your parents want a certain path for you, but if that does not make you happy, do not do it. Maybe your friends expect something from you, but anyone who does not allow you to be YOU is not a real friend. Find the thing that makes you happy and go for it. It might not bring you major succes at once, or at all, but does that really matter? If you are happy doing it, why stop?

This was part one of my list. Part 2 will follow soon. What are the things that you have learned so far? xoxo

An open letter to my crush.

Hey you,

You beautiful boy. This one is for you. And the funny thing is, you will probably not even know that I wrote this for and about you. You are not very keen on social media so I wonder if you would even click the link you see that will lead you to this post but if you do, this one is for you baby.

I am crushing hard on you. From the moment I have met you I felt something I did not feel in a long time. You are special, so special and I do not even think you realize how special you are. When I saw you I felt this instant attraction and for me this was weird because you are not my standard ‘type’. You are not the blond viking’ish looking scandinavian guy, no you, you were different. Tall, dark (‘ish ) and handsome. So handsome that I could not keep my eyes of of you.

For me it is so easy to read men. For me men are simple (and no I do not mean to insult anyone over here). But the guys I meet, I can read them, they are an open book for me. But you, you ar a big mystery for me. I could not read anything. And it fascinates me.
Sometimes I noticed that I was just staring at you. Watching you move and watching you be in a moment and it made me smile. You really march to the beat of your own drum, and that is what I like about you and what I admire about you. 
94f5939fe4bc30afb4adccdfba188d51They say that opposites attract and I consider myself to be your opposite. However I have noticed a few things were we also are quite similar.
Normally I feel very comfortable around men, but with you I felt a bit insecure. Where normally I have a lot of game, with you I had 0 game, like seriously, 0. I was too afraid to say something stupid that I chose in situations to say nothing at all.

You are the perfect combination of cute and sexy, attractive, handsome and hot. So hot. If I would have had to create my definition of the perfect guy, it would be you. You are extremely smart, ambitious, kind, polite and so beautiful. You have great manners, manners that blow me away and I did not know that guys like you still existed. You are so amazing. You have these ‘weird’ habits that are actually kinda geeky but I really like them. You do things that no other guy that I know does and for some reason they make me shy around you. And those things make you so adorable.

You are the kind of guy I could kiss forever. From the evening till the morning without getting bored. I could stay up all night and talk to you about everything. You are such an interesting and intelligent person and if you could have impressed me so much in the small amount of time we spend together, imagine how mindblown I will be after a few more weeks.

12189943_458932977646995_8927662546391312870_nIn just a few days you have inspired me more than people I have known for such a long time. You have done so much for me, more than you will probably ever realize and for that I am forever thankful. You made me want to be a better version of myself. I want to be someone that can meet your standards.

I wish I could get to know you better but that is such an unrealistic thought since I think that this crush is a one way street. And besides that, we do not even live in the same city, let alone the same country. So I will just let it be and admire you from a distance and secretly hope that one day you will say: “Hey I am coming to Antwerp, wanna meet?”. And I will already hate your future girlfriend because I will be so jealous of her. Because with you she definitely won the lottery. And you know why? Because you really are the best person ever.
unnamedThis could be us. But you probably hate The Notebook. Haha. In stead of see you forever, I will have to say, See you never. xoxo

PS: If you think that this might have could be written for you, I challenge you to ask me if I wrote this for you..