DEED-zember; Time to give back!

december

Hello lovelies!

Well, what do you know, it is already December. Oh wait, and even the second week is about to start in 24 hours. Where did the time go? Everything happend so fast this year..I can not believe that we already will start a new year in just a matter of a few days.

But before this year is over I want you to reflect on it and see if you have done everything that you wanted to do this year. Have you checked everything of your ‘2015 to do list’?

If not, it is time to get up of your ass and start making things happen. Of course we need to stay realistic, not everything will be manageable to doing in the last 3 weeks of this year but there must be something you can do!  Especially for someone else. Therefor I created Deedzember! 

December is for most of us a very happy and joyful month full of celebrations, but it is not like that for everyone. I just want you to look around you and see where YOU can help.
You don’t have to be a millionaire to make a difference! You can help with your heart too.

Here is a list of things you can do if you are totally blank on this one:
– Help out in a soup kitchen
– Join a program that is feeding the homeless
– Make homecooked meals and drive around your city- and give them to the homeless. There are more homeless people than you might think
-Donate clothing to a refugee camp
-Collect (old) new toys for the kids in a refugee camp
-Organize a mini fundraiser for your favorite charity
-Visit an elderly home and spend time with those that might have no one left anymore

But you can also keep it a bit closer to home:
-Write your parents a ‘Thank you’ letter and tell them everything you are thankful for
-Make a meal for that one struggling friend, bring it over and just have an all nighter where you talk the night away.
-Sweep the fallen leaves of the porch of your (elderly) neighbor
– Ask if there are tasks that you can help with too; mowing the lawn, washing the windows

There are so many small things you can do that can mean the world for someone else. Acknowledge each others presence and be kind to each other.

What good deed can you do for someone else? Let me know!
xoxo

3 signs to recognize depression

Hey lovelies,

Today I will share yet another post about my personal depression story. I have written an article about ‘The story behind my smile’ almost a month ago and I got a lot of sweet and supportive reactions. (Click here for that post)
The reason why I wrote that post is in order to inspire others and to let you know that it will be okay. I have ‘survived’ depression and even though I still feel down at times, I am not in that big black hole I once was in.

The thing with depression is that more people have had depressions than you might think. Dealing with depression is difficult. Hiding it is not.

I remember when I had my ‘big coming out party’ where I told my family and closest friends about my depression and that it was time for me to seek help. (almost) nobody saw it coming. I became a master in hiding it.

It was so weird. I did wanted help. I just did not want to ask for it. Asking for help was (and sometimes is) so difficult cause I am a very proud person. I do not like to show my weaknesses so I kinda strung my self along un till I hit rock bottom. And than I decided that the life I was leading was not the life I wanted to lead and that therapy was something I could really benefit from.

During my time of depression, sometimes I was dissapointed in my family and friends. ‘Why did they not offer me help, I mean, isn’t it obvious that I am not doing well?’ – I kinda played the victim role cause that was easier than to admit that if I wanted help, I should just ask for it.

However, I still want to share some signs that I thought were clear for others to see but appearently were not. I really want you to read them carefully and look in your innercircle, look at your friends, colleagues and try to see people. Acknowledge them, see their real colors. And if you recognize some of these signs just ask them this 1 question:
“So, how are you really doing” … I guarentee you you will get some answers you never thought were possible…and who knows, you can be the gamechanger in this persons life….

1.  WEIGHT GAINING OR WEIGHT LOSS
When a person is happy you won’t see a dramatic difference in their weight. Unless of course someone is intentionally trying to lose weight and is on  a strict diet. With me, it was the other way around. During my depression I gained almost 17 kilo. This was something I was really embarrassed about at first but trust me, when you feel fucked up on the inside, the outside does not really matter. I know that people noticed that I gained wait, obviously, 17 kilo is really a lot but nobody really asked me about it. Yes, it is an awkward subject, “hey you used to look different in a bikini, what happend’ is not a question anyone would like to get, but sometimes it is needed. By asking about it (and of course it is not nice to hear) you really can be someones wake up call. To be honest, at some point I did not even realize how much weight I have gained. I knew that I did not fit my clothes anymore. But than I just went to the store and bought some new stuff. By addressing this subject you will create a window to have an even deeper conversation

2.  SMIZING
OMG, did I really just say smizing? Oh yea, I did. I think it is so annoying, the way Ms. Banks uses this term. For those who never watched America’s Next Top Model; smizing is smiling with your eyes.
When you are depressed it is easy to fool people with ‘smiling’ with your lips or even laughing a bit out loud. But eyes are really the window to your soul. When someone is laughing, try to see if their eyes are laughing too. Is someone genuinly happy or is that person faking it. I have fake laughed so many times during my depression my jaw started to hurt. But still everyone thought I was this perfect girl in her perfect girl living the perfect life, while on the inside I was broken.

3.  SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL-OR EXTENSIVELY GOING OUT
The best place of a depressed person is back at home in their own bed. During my depression I spend most of my time in bed. Of course I still went to work, kept up appearance – but the second work was over I went directly home. For me this was a weird thing because I have always been a very outgoing girl. I also always loved cocooning at home, but I also went out a lot. At some point I just stopped. The thought of being in a busy and hectic crowd drove me crazy and I even felt so depressed by just the thought of it. I spend so much time at home and I isolated myself from others. I always gave some lame excuse until I reached the point where I would even ignore my own boyfriend.- So really try to look in the change of behavior of people. Is that one really outgoing friend suddenly not going out anymore or perhaps the other way around- maybe someone who never went out is extensively going out, getting drunk- doing who knows what.

I am not saying that if someone does these 3 things (or one of them) that that person is depressed. Of course there can be other factors too. People change, people act differently or want different things in life. I am just sharing the things where I kinda gave away that I was depressed but nobody noticed. So I do want you to look around and perhaps if you suspect that there is something going on in someones life, there probably is. Don’t be shy and just ask about it. Even if you think it is none of your business. Show that person that they are not alone- cause I can guarantee you, that person is dealing with a depression, he or she is feeling alone. And that is the worst feeling out there.

Be kind to others. Be kind to your self.
Perhaps we know eachother, perhaps we don’t. Either way, you can always send me a message and I will try my best to help you, or at least just to be there for you…

Have you ever dealt with depression or know someone who dealt with depression? How did you recognize it? 

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the Eiffel Tower could talk…

12243284_463226587217634_3289609584534959856_nIf the Eiffel tower could talk, I am sure she could tell us many beautiful stories. Stories of everything she had ever seen. Stories of every  marriage proposal that has been done in front of her by lovebirds. Stories of people taking selfies with her because they were struck by her beauty.

If the Eiffel Tower could talk she would tell us about the beauty of her city. About all the little streets and corners that Paris has. About the beautiful architecture, the cool Parisian hotspots, restaurants, bars, clubs. She would tell us about all the musea and about her special bond with the Mona Lisa. She would tell us about the beauty of its people and about the beauty of her country.

If the Eiffel Tower could talk she would tell us how, every night, she does her best to shine bright in her light show and every night she gives us her all so we can enjoy her. She would do her best to contribute to our lovely Paris memories.

But after yesterday, even if the Eiffel Tower could talk, she would decide not too. She would not be able to talk because her heart is aching and breaking. She is devastated. The lights from her lightshow turn in to tears. She can only cry. For her city, for her people, for the visitors, for humanity.

My dear Eiffel Tower- You are the reason why we call Paris the city of lights, the city of love. You are beautiful and incredibly strong. I hope you will keep being the light in the city of lights and don’t let it turn in to the darkness. I hope you can be the light on a day where everyone probably needs you the most. I hope you will inspire us to stick together and not to fall apart. To unite and be strong and beautiful like you are. Don’t let our hearts fill with hate towards the ignorant ones.  My beloved Eiffel Tower, I hope your broken heart will heal again and that you will decide to talk and tell us that everything will be okay. Because the only one that can do that for Paris, is you. Your people need you. Your people love you.

xoxo

An open letter to my EF BX- How I broke the heart of the love of my life.

I am just an awkward girl that does not know how to handle emotions. When ever something or someone get’s to close I either build a wall or I go all in. And with you baby, I went all in. It felt amazing, wonderful, great- but the danger with going all in is that the only way you can leave is to go all out. Lose everything, literrally everything that you had.

A few years ago I read an interview with Mariah Carey where she said that she’d rather performed in an sold out Staples Center than to sing for family and friends in a small and intimate get together. I could immediately relate to that feeling. I am not a superstar. I am a simple girl with complicated feelings that I don’t know how to process. I rather share my story with the entire world that I see as my sold out staples center instead of having a private conversation with you. Because that is intimate. And intimacy scares the shit out of me. 
We had a perfect life. We were that couple that everyone wanted to be. Not a single day passed without cracking each other up. We laughed so  much.. We were compatible in every aspect. Looks, brains, body and soul. You truly were and always be my soulmate. I do believe when God created you he chose me to find you on this earth when our time was there. And we did. We found each other and our relationship was fantastic. But still I left you. And nobody understood why. You did not understand why.
If I would look up the word „Perfection” in the dictionary- there would be your picture directly next to the word. To me you are perfect. Your beautiful blond hair and amazing blue eyes that can still make my heart skip a beat. The way you have dimples in your cheeks when you laugh, the way you brush your hair with your left hand when I make you nervous. Or excited. The way you live you life. Strong, admirable, respectful humble, sexy, powerful, caring, passionately, loving. You are such a proud person. So tough on the outside, and inside. But not with me. With me you were soft. Understanding. Kind. Loving. Everything.
During our entire relationship I never saw you cry. Not even when your best friend died. You felt sad but said that you could not allow your tears to get the “best of you” and that you would only cry if something happened you knew you could not recover from. The day I left you, you cried. So much. And I realized that I broke your heart. But what you must understand is that during the last months of our relationship every single day I was breaking my own heart. And it hurted so much. 
I was broken.A broken doll. Damaged goods. You deserved so much more than me. I often wondered why you were with me. Why you did not leave me after everything I put you through. You are such a good man, someone who deserves an equal. Not somebody less than him. Don’t get me wrong. I did not always see myself this way. But at some point in our relationship I just lost it. I lost myself in our relationship. I lost my identity. You and I became a WE but who was I? You knew exactly who you were and what you wanted out of life but I did not know anything else than that I was your girlfriend, your future wife. But that thought suffocated me. I wanted more. I wanted to know how I could define my future. I wanted to find out how I could leave my legacy on this planet and by just being a ‚wife’-. well that just did not cut it. 
Remember that scene in the Titanic (you must, I made you watch that movie a million times) when Rose enters the Titanic and she talks about how her life looks perfect on the outside, but on the inside she is screaming. That was me. I was screaming internally every day. Every fucking day. And you noticed. When you looked me in my eyes you saw that I was drowning. You saw that I was hurting and that I could not breath. The endless fights that we had over this where you begged me, screamed at me to tell me what was wrong. I never forget that day where you kneeled down to the ground and hugged my hips, crying and begging me to talk and that you could not ‚Do this anymore’. I froze. I could not say anything, like always. You, the wealthy and powerful businessman, the man nobody could bring down, was brought down, literally, sitting on his knees, begging and crying. You were brought down by the one person that could make you do anything you always said you would never do. But than and there at that moment I made a decision.
I would leave you. The thought that I was the person that put you through this was horrible. The thought that I was your weakness frightened me. I’d rather break my own heart a million times by leaving the best thing that ever happend to me than to even break your heart once. That thought for me was unbearable. It was horrible for me to see you so powerless knowing that you in fact were powerless. There was nothing at that point that you could have done for me. You have not failed me. You asked me this in several text messages after we broke up. I failed myself. I had to regroup and recover. Alone. I needed space. And I took it. Maybe that was selfish of me but we would never have had a happy ending if we continued the way we did.
Even though you wanted to save me and you tried to save me. But the only way you could save me was to let me go and to let me find my own way. I did loved and love that about you. You always tried to save me. To fix me. To be my hero. But you know, sometimes a girl needs to be her own hero and save her self. 
“I had everything, but I chose to have nothing, so I can build towards something, anything of my own”.
I gave up everything. The money, the fancy apartment, the summerhouses, the cars with private drivers, the never-ending holidays but most of all, I gave up you.
My life is so different now than when I was with you. I live in my own city apartment, I pay my own rent, I drive my bike to work (yes an actual bicycle, and I really like it)- I started writing and painting again. I went to therapy where I worked really hard on dealing with my depression and with my struggle in finding my own identity again. I am starting to feel like a whole person again.
I never wanted you to complete me. I want to feel complete (or as complete as someone can feel) and I wanted you to be of an added value to my life. I wanted to feel valuable first and now I do. It is a bitter sweet feeling because I left the one I loved the most find myself. I fell out of love with you in order to fall in love with myself again.
And I did. I love myself and maybe more important I like myself again. I like the person who I have become and you are such a big part of the reason why I am where I am today.
You made the bigger sacrifice by letting the love of your love go with no other reason than to allow me to find myself again. You did not do it for you, like how my main reason to leave you was to ‘FIX ME”. Your reasons were pure and not selfish.
You once told me that if you really love something you will set it free (and if it comes back it was ‚Yours’ and if it doesn’t, it never was). I never understood this. Why would you let something that you love go. You would want to keep that close to you right? You would want to fight for something that you love right? But sometimes the best fight is to surrender. And you did. If you love someone, you will put his or her happiness before your own. So even though it did break your heart, you did let me go because you knew that that would be the best thing for me. So in the end, even though I tried to save my self you still did save me. Because if you did not let me go I would never be here where I am today.
It is ironic how we both decided to break our own hearts so we did not had to break each others hearts. 
I had time to heal my heart and if there is anything I can do to heal yours let me know. Cause there is not a single thing in this world that I would not do for you.
Love always, x

Balmain? BalMEH! – 6 ways you can spend your money in stead of purchasing a Balmain by H&M item.

Hey lovelies, 

Today a post that I know will not be happily received by everyone. I think a lot of fashionista’s will be pretty pissed but you know what. I do not care. Some things are meant to be said and I am here to say it.
This week H&M launched their collection: BALMAIN X H&M 1443212077_kendall-jenner-gigi-hadid-balmain-hm-zoomand the internet and the webshop of H&M got taken over by fashion loving people that were desperately trying to score a Balmain item. At some point when all the ‘top items’ were sold out people just randomly bought something, anything from the Balmain collection so they could fit in too and post on their social media that they had ‘scored the item that they really wanted’ even though you and I know that that is not true and you only got that item because nothing else was left and you did not want to be the only one in  your click without a Balmain by H&M item.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a huge fan of Balmain, but Balmain by H&M is just a glorified H&M item. Guuuurrrlllll, You still don’t own a ‘real’ Balmain item. And I know that there are also people out there that bought a piece from the collection because they genuinely like it or that they, like I do myself as well, admire the very talented Olivier Rousteing and that is perfectly fine. I just do not want people to define them self with a fashion object. Or people that are trying to fit in by buying something that is so ‘in’ right now. Let’s be honest, you know basically all the winter ’15 celebration pics ( especially xmas) will be filled with all these girls rocking ‘Balmain’- Do you really want to be one of them? – Find your own swag and style. That will be much more fulfilling than being a Kendall Jenner copy. (And no this is not an attack on her, the is beautiful but you are too and you should be your own individual!).

Therefor I picked out 6 BALMAIN X H&M items and I will give you tips on how you could spend that money differently. No worries, this is not a post about that you should donate your money to charity. Spend that money on your self guuurrll, but you can decide to do it differently too:
Schermafbeelding 2015-11-07 om 10.21.49This dress is 499 euro. 
Did you know that for 499 euro you could easily book a plane ticket to a nice tropical destination. Or perhaps you are more the city trip kinda person. www.cheaptickets.nl offers great deals to go to NYC for example. A return ticket starts from 425 euro’s.
So what do you prefer? A dress you can probably wear one time or actually spend your money on a plane ticket so you can see and discover a new city, a new country and to create memories for life?Well, for me the choice would be so easy…
Schermafbeelding 2015-11-07 om 10.20.04
99 euro’s for this top. Okay, I must admit, this is actually a top that I really like and I think it is a nice item to add to your wardrobe because you will be able to wear it more often but that is not the point. What could you do with a 100 euro’s. Since we discussed going to NYC just now, why not stay a bit closer to home. Ryan Air  offers flights for less than a 100 euro. Perhaps it is time to take that weekend city trip
that you were waiting all that time for.
100 euro’s on a new top or 100 euro’s towards a plane ticket?
 Schermafbeelding 2015-11-07 om 10.19.38149 euro for this dress. Seriously? H&M, what were you thinking.
I know it supposed to look fancy and all but it is too much shimmer and the dress actually looks kind of cheap.
For a 149 euro you buy a beautiful timeless and classy watch. For example from the brand Daniel Wellington.
They offer a wide variety of beautiful watches. For him and for her.
A watch is something you can were everyday and is surely worth the investment.
 Schermafbeelding 2015-11-07 om 10.20.34This is something I have never understood. Why do you want to wear a t-shirt with the name of the brand so obviously stamped on it. Armani has these tees as well and I just don’t get it. You are paying them to promote their brand. Gurrrll, they should pay YOU for wearing the Tee. For 30 euro’s you can go to the M.A.C Cosmetics counter and treat your self to not one, but 2 lipsticks! Or even a highlighter.
You can purchase something that can help you to enhance your natural beauty in stead of promoting a brand for free.
And if you are not that in to make up, why not buy a book, or a new Lonely Planet? So you can plan your next trip!
Schermafbeelding 2015-11-07 om 10.20.48
 This blouse, I just can’t. What is this even? Where would you wear this? Would you really spend 350 euro on something that looks like it belongs in a carnival?
For 350 euro’s you can purchase a camera, for example of the brand Samsung. They offer different compact digital camera’s in that price range so what do you prefer. This over the top blouse or a camera that you can use to capture all your memories, use for your blogging, take on your travels?
I think that answer is pretty damn clear.
Schermafbeelding 2015-11-07 om 10.21.29
 299 euro’s on a leather jacket is perfectly fine. It is actually a good price for a real leather jacket. But with this overhyped HM/Balmain one you will just be one of the many girls wearing this jacket. If you are looking for a nice leather jacket explore other brands too. For example Goosecraft is a brand that designs jackets in the same price range but with purchasing their brand you will definitely be more original and it will be less likely that you will run in to a girl on your next shopping spree with your exact same jacket.
This article was not written to attack anyone that likes or owns something from the Balmain collection. If you got something that you really want for the right reasons I am so happy for you and I hope you will enjoy it a lot.
This was purely my opinion on how you can spend your money differently.
What would you buy instead of purchasing a BALMAIN X HM item?
xoxo

Things i’ve learned in my 28 years on this earth part 1.

Schermafbeelding 2015-09-12 om 21.06.47

Hey lovelies!

Tomorrow, or well in just a few hours I will turn 29. Damn, how fast does the time fly by right. I can’t believe i’m almost hitting the dirty thirty but hey, i’m not there yet.

I decided to write this post to share some of my knowledge I have gained through out the years. I think we can all learn from each other and therefor I hope I can teach you some things. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, my failures, my succeses and my experiences. So here we go..

PARENTS
If you are lucky enough to still have your parents spend time with them. As we are growing up, they are growing older. They will not be here forever. No matter what your situation with hem is now, they are the ones that created you. Without them you would not be here. Appreciate that. Appreciate them. Even if you don’t live with them anymore. Call them up sometimes. Not when you need something. But ask them how they are doing. Get to know them, love them, treasure them.

FRIENDS
People come and go. Friends come and go. Some people will disappoint you, you will disappoint people. But real friends will be there no matter what. You do not need a lot of friends. A handful is much better. Do not ‘waste’ your time investing in everyone you have met. Of course it is good to be social but real friends, you just need a few. Invest in them and let them know they matter to you- never assume.

NEVER ASSUME
To follow up on that point. Never assume. There is this saying that when you ‘Assume’ you make and ‘Ass’ out of ‘U’ and ‘ME’ and it is kind of true. Do not set your self up for disaster by expecting things without clear communication. If you want to know something, ask it. If you need something, get it. Never let things go by, just assuming.

LOVE
Love is the most beautiful emotion and feeling out there. Love will make you feel good and bad, sometimes at the same time. Do not run away from love, open your arms and embrace it. Love like you have never been hurt before, even though it is f*cking hard. Just someone hurt you in your past does not mean that the next one will hurt you too. And if they do- that is life. Do not deprive yourself of something that could possibly be so good. Love others and let them know that you do. 3 words, 8 letters can be so magical and powerful. Do not let the one you love go on without them knowing how you exactly feel.

LOVE YOUR SELF
Do not only have love for others. But also love yourself. A lot. Look at yourself in the mirror and give your self some compliments. Tell yourself you are beautiful because, baby, you are. You are gorgeous. Do not set to high expectations for your self, be reasonable, be realistic. Be kind to your self. Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself something nice. You are the person you are stuck with for the rest of your live. Why not have a great relationship with yourself? Try to be your own best friend.

FORGIVE
Forgive yourself, forgive others. Do not let hatred fill your heart. Maybe you have been through so much sadness and pain. Maybe someone has hurt you so much that you don’t know how to forget that. But that is not what I am asking of you. You can probably never forget that certain moment, however, you can chose to forgive someone. Work hard on that and your reward will be huge..

TRAVEL
If there is something I wish for all of you is to travel. Go out, see the world. Explore, discover and enjoy our beautiful earth. You are not here forever and the world is so beautiful. Why only see a small part of it. I don’t have money or I don’t have time are just excuses. If you can not afford a world trip and don’t have the possibility to save up for this, explore the country that you are in. There is so much more than just your hometown. Traveling will give you so much more than you can ever imagine. You will learn so much about the world, about others, but most importantly about yourself.

READ BOOKS
Read read read. Continue to educate yourself. Be curious, never stop reading. Nothing is better than getting lost in a book, in a story, in the thoughts of someone else. There are so many great books out there. Find out what kind of genre you like and just get lost in it. Find your favorite author (Mine are Fitzgerald and Bukowski). Let them inspire you.

YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE
Your body is your temple. You only get one of those. Take care of it like it is a sacred temple, because it kind of is. Stay in shape, eat healthy, brush your teeth (yes this sounds maybe so random, but really, do it 2/3 a day). Exercise, not to lose weight but to feel good.

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH
You are always good enough. You are enough. Never change yourself for someone else or let others tell you that you are not (good) enough, because you are. You are beautiful and you have your imperfections like anyone else, but that makes you YOU. That makes you unique. Cherish your self and look at your positive qualities. Make a list of them and read them every now and again.

BE NICE
Be a kind and warm person. Be understanding towards other people. Nobody is born a bitch or an asshole. Do not let your past influence you in a bad way by becoming a bitter soul. If you have been through stuff, forgive those people, forgive your self. Do not judge others. Do not let your insecurity rule you. Be a nice person.

LAUGH YOUR ASS OF EVERY DAY
Laughing is so important. Smile and laugh every day. And if you do not feel happy, try to find something that makes you feel happy.

DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Always do what makes you happy. Do not live your life for others. Do not try to make others happy. Try to make yourself happy. Maybe your parents want a certain path for you, but if that does not make you happy, do not do it. Maybe your friends expect something from you, but anyone who does not allow you to be YOU is not a real friend. Find the thing that makes you happy and go for it. It might not bring you major succes at once, or at all, but does that really matter? If you are happy doing it, why stop?

This was part one of my list. Part 2 will follow soon. What are the things that you have learned so far? xoxo

Dealing with depression- The story behind my smile.

Hey lovelies,

Today I will discuss a serious matter with you guys. Something raw, honest and real. I have thought a long time about writing about this subject and I always found reasons not to do it. Call it shame or having a sense of privacy. Somethings are meant to be kept for your self right? And it is not really ‘cool’ to share stuff like this where I actually come across as a weirdo but than I thought..What if my story can help others. What if my experience and thoughts can actually help others, perhaps you.

Isn’t it worth it to put my self out there than? Perhaps my story can change one life, touch one life or influence just one person in a positive way.. Would that not be worth it?
The answer is a 100% yes. So here we go… A little part of me for you.

When people are reading my articles and checking out my Instagram (Click here for my instagram) I often get really nice comments. I love to connect with my followers and readers. You guys send me the sweetest messages and they really touch my heart. But sometimes I read things you guys say and I am like, how sweet it might is for you to say that, it is not always that glamorous.

not good enoughDEALING WITH DEPRESSION- my story
When I was a bit younger I always felt that there was something a bit of. While others were happy and playing with kids their own age, I developed this weird obsession with death. It all happend when I was in school and I was about 9 years old. The mother of my classmate died and my teacher explained the word ‘death’ and from that day on something inside me just changed. I realized that one day we would all die and that thought gave me a lot of anxiety. At some point I became really silent and I was obviously not happy and about a year later I went to therapy. The therapy I had was some kind of  “play therapy’- and of course at that point I did not realize that I was having therapy. I just went to this friendly lady, twice a week and I just played their with awesome toys, colored in the color book while chatting with her. Looking back I realize that that was my first therapy session and I do not know what the conclusion was but at some point the therapy stopped. For a few years everything seemed to be better and I was not so occupied with the thought of ‘dying’ anymore.

Than when I was 12 I have lost someone I have loved more than life itself. And there it was again. “Death’. And this time I had to deal with it. Not being able to deal with this loss I became depressed again and I developed an eating disorder. The thing with me is, on the outside, nobody every noticed. I was a spontaneous kid, I was never bullied, I had many friends and a great childhood. But again, something was always off. I had my ‘rebel period’ where everyone always saw me as this ‘bad ass girl’ being tough and all but on the inside I was crying and dying.  I started therapy again but I the therapists I have seen in that period were not great ones, or at least, I could not connect with them. I felt misunderstood and extremely lonely. I felt so many things inside and I could not discuss this with everyone.

Even though I had great friends and a very loving family, discussing my feelings felt like failure so I never did. I felt like I was drowning all the time, suffocating, being choked but the moment I had to go to school or I had to be around people I could put my biggest smile on my face and I could pretend everything was okay.

I always have had a very good life full of social gatherings, party’ing, social events. Nobody would have ever guessed that after the party was over I could go to bed, shut the curtains and lie there in my bed crying for no reason feeling really sad and bad.
In my late teenage years, when I finally told people about my depression they were so surprised that I have had experienced these kind of feelings because I have always ‘seemed so happy’.

For a long time I went through life feeling completely and utterly lost and for others this did not make any sense cause I did have a good life. I come from a loving family, I did not have to go through a divorce (my parents are still together), I have a fantastic sister, great friends- so why was I so depressed? I really did not have an answer for this. I felt like nobody understood me and I felt like it would never get better. I was so afraid that I had to live my life in this constant fear that I  experienced and that was a thought that drove me even more crazy. For a long time it was really hard for me to be myself, to be me. Cause who was I? Why was this so hard for me to know? I had a really hard time with accepting myself because I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I was never good enough (for myself) and I became my own worst enemy. I developed a very destructive pattern and way of acting and thinking. Whenever something went good in my life, or well, really well, I waited and counted until the day came till everything fell apart. And when it did not fell apart as fast as I expected (or perhaps on some weird level even wanted) I sabotaged myself and ruined the good things I had going on- just to come back to that point in the circle where I felt extremely sad and depressed again because something again went terribly wrong, not realizing that the only reason it went wrong was because of my own behavior and actions..And the even more weird thing is that this behavior gave me a satisfied feeling because it was the feeling of being in ‘control’. Not realizing that controlling my happiness aka making sure I wasn’t, was not a good thing. It was not satisfying, it was sabotage and it was horrible. But this feeling for sabotage became my drug and I was a huge addicted for this feeling.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DO NOT SEE IT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS NOT THERE-
That is such a powerful phrase. Invisible diseases are the worst of any because they are not visible to others, people can’t help you either. When your arm is broken it is easy for someone to offer you a helping hand. But when your soul feels shattered and broken there is nobody who can help you as long as you do not ask for help because your shattered soul is not visible for the outside world. For years I have not asked for help. When the therapists that I visited did not work out I just gave up. I thought that it will all just ‘pass’ but how can things pass if you don’t work on them? You just put your thoughts and feelings away and I can guarantee you, someday they will pop out!

MY REGRET- Learn from my mistakes.
My biggest regret is, is that I waited so long to actually handle my issues. The longer you wait the more difficult it actually gets. I never knew what was ‘wrong’ with me and why I could have these periods where I felt so extremely down. In stead of getting help I chose to fake smiles and just continue life. People often say that you should not regret anything, I agree with this statement a bit because if I did not wait for so long I would not have developed myself the way I did now. I feel like a strong independent woman who overcame so many bad things. I may have chosen the difficult route but I got there. However, it does not have to be that way. If you are feeling down or depressed, get help. Talk to someone. Even though the person you are talking too does not feel like someone who understand you, do not just quit your sessions. Continue these sessions because you will get to a point where things will begin to make sense. I promise you this.

I have continued this path for too long. The path of feeling lost and sad without knowing why you feel this way. Nobody did me wrong. I truly was (and sometimes still am) my own worst enemy. I am a perfectionist and sometimes it gets the best of me. I was really hard on myself and I set expectations that were really unrealistic and when I could not meet these expectations I felt extremely sad and I felt like I had to punish myself. In my case I punished myself by not eating. Or by binge eating and than puking after worths because I felt so bad. – When I look back on that version of myself I feel so sad and I wish I could go back in time and tell her that it would be okay, to love myself a bit more and to be milder. That I did not have to be ‘perfect’ all the time cause let’s face it, what is perfect these days?
We are so influenced by the image that is created by social media, magazines, tv etc of ‘perfection’. We live in a world were we always want more and more and it seems like nothing is ever good enough. Feeling like nothing is ever good enough is a very depressing thought I can tell you. Feeling like you are not enough is a thought that can definitely make you go crazy. But why would you do that to yourself? Why don’t you let those things go?

EASIER SAID THAN DONE- but I believe in you
When I look back on the days where I could lie in bed for days in a row it honestly feels like a totally different world. At some point I got the help I needed, I went to therapy and I had very long and intensive therapy sessions for over 1,5 years. I combined this with my ‘normal’ life so sometimes it was difficult to keep up appearances but I did it. What really was a turning point for me was to just ‘surrender’ to my depression. In stead of fighting it and trying to fix it (by blocking and denying it) I surrendered to my depression. I accepted that I felt a certain way because deep in my heart I knew that that feeling would not be a feeling I would have for the rest of my life. I was ready to fight. Fight for myself and fight for my life because I knew deep down in my heart that I deserved a life where I felt happy too. Nobody feels happy 100% of the time, but a good 85% was something I would settle for and not for anything less. I grabbed my depression by the balls and I said that I would kick it’s ass and I did. It was a long journey, one from over a decade but I came to a point where I really think I got it under control. Therapy has taught me so much. I would not consider myself ‘healed’, I still have anxiety and panic attacks but I can deal with them in a healthy way. Also because I accept that side of me the attacks have decreased with more than 90%. Where I would feel panic almost daily for over 10 years I now perhaps have a panic attack twice, three times a year and for me that is a really big step forward.

THE LIFE OF BLOGGERS IS NOT JUST GLAMOROUS- trust me.
So next time when you look at my pictures and think that I live a perfect life, know that I don’t, I really don’t. I won’t complain, my life is pretty damn good but I am not perfect. When you look at other bloggers lives or lives of celebs or even the life of your friends, never compare yourself with them. You do not know their full and complete story, you do not know their every day struggles and thoughts. And you do not know what happens behind closed doors. Do you think people will post pictures of themselves, lying in bed, depressed, in the dark, stuffing their face in chocolate? No – of course not ! Perhaps we should do it though, because that would be more of an reality than just flat lays, sunsets and unicorns.  Everyone is fighting their own battle and has their own ups and downs.

DEALING WITH DEPRESSION- What to do?
If you are dealing with depression too please look for help. Tell your parents, a sibling or a very good friend. Even if you do not know why you feel this way, share your thoughts and ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and you should not be ashamed for your thoughts. Do not wait for over a decade to work on your issues. Grab your depression by the balls too and say I am going to beat you Mtherfcker. Cause you can. And you will. I do believe in you and you should believe in your self too.
Invisible diseases are shitty, sucky and fucked up. But you can beat that thing. You just need to take the first step……

And if there is anything at all that I can help you with, please do let me know.

I will be always here for you, even though we maybe have never even met.

Have you ever dealt with depression? And how did you work on it? 

xoxo

5 most frequently asked questions that Travel Bloggers get- and the answers to them!

Hi lovelies!

Today I wanted to share the top 5 questions I as a travel blogger get asked the most through my social media channels. I know a lot of my fellow travel bloggers will get the same questions too but my answers can differ from theirs so today I will share my answers to your top 5 Q’s!

1.  How do you afford to travel the world?
If I got get a dollar for every time I got asked this question I would be a freaking millionaire now and you would have your answer directly! Haha. But unfortunately that is not the case. I can guarantee you that every travel blogger gets that question at least once a day through IG, Twitter, FB or what ever platform they might use the most. I know that this answer is different for everyone but I can share mine. My travels are paid 50% my myself and 50% by sponsoring. I got some great deals with great brands that allow me to travel for free. I used to blog fulltime but I do not do this at the moment. I actually have a fulltime job that helps me to safe for my travels too and I travel whenever I can. Every free moment I have is either spend online, looking for new destinations to go to or by heading to the airport to jump on the plane for my next adventure!

2.  Isn’t it lonely to be a solo traveler?
You perhaps expect the answer to be ‘Yes‘ but it really is not. For me solo traveling is freedom. I like to go wherever I want, when ever I want and being able to meet new people all day every day. I am actually never lonely on my travels. I am very talkative and I am a very social person and I meet people all the time. There are some moments where I chose to be alone because I love to spend some time with myself too but that does not make me ‘lonely’. 

3.  Is it safe to travel by yourself?
Definitely a yes for this question. I do not understand why people are afraid to travel alone. The world is a beautiful place and you should go out and discover it. Of course there are some places where you might should not go by your self but as long as you trust your instances you will be perfectly fine. Do not do random weird things like walking alone in dark alleys in the middle of the night, but let’s be honest, would you do that in your own hometown? Probably not. I think that if you plan your trip accordingly and you respect the rules, norms and values of the city/country that you are in that you will have an amazing time!

4.  Aren’t you tired of living out of a suitcase?
No, hell no! I love living out of a suitcase. Being a travelblogger has taught me that I do not need as much as I think I do. I can definitely survive with 1 lipstick, perhaps 2 if I go on a weektrip. I do not need 10 different kind of shades. Haha. I love living out of a suitcase because because you can only bring a limited amount of stuff you get more creative and you develop great organizing skills which you can use in other aspects of your life as well!

5.  What is your favorite travel destination?
If you know me at all, than you would not need me to answer this question. Bali baby! Bali all the way. I am in love with the lsland, the people, the culture, the beaches, the food and well, basically everything. Bali has everything to offer that you can imagine. Great scenery’s, mountains, volcano’s, nature, beaches, luxury at an affordable price, great people. I can definitely recommend you to visit Bali! And if you do, let me know, I will send you some tips.

What is the one question that people ask you the most? 

xoxo

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The awkward encounters of me and my hot neighbor boy: The final chapter.

Hey lovelies.

I am sorry for not being able to talk to you in a while. There has been a lot going on in my life lately, a full post about this subject will follow this week because it is quite a personal story that I am willing to share, only I need the time to put in in to words.

I had to take some time for my self to get some things together. And now I did and I am ready to be yours again. Later this week I will share my personal update but first I would like to finish the series of ‘My awkward encounters of me and my hot neighbor boy’ – so I can continue with a fresh slate that I so desperately needed for quite some time actually.

In the last article I wrote about him, us everything was perfect. I became his girlfriend and we had a fantastic time. I could probably fill a few more articles about the fun stuf we did, the beautiful moments that we shared and all the awkward encounters but I decided that I would not do this anymore. The relationship that we had, how short it was, was extremely toxic and not a good relationship to be in. I could see it in the little signs before we were in the relationship but I still chose to be in this relationship.
Why you might ask? – I wish I could give you an answer but I honestly just can’t. It is difficult to explain but I will try.

A few weeks ago during a dinner with some people the following topic came up and this question was asked me: “Why do you only date bitchboys’ (as in loser guys and guys I know I do not have a real future with and those that not necessarily treat me well all the time. Unpredictable and unstaple guys”. I gave a random response and laughed it off but it actually got me thinking. Why do I only date ‘bitchboys’ ?

The real answer is,  is that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt (again) and afraid to give myself to someone, put myself out there, where my heart on my sleeve and just wait for the second it gets ripped off and broken to a million pieces. But if I date these ‘bitchboys’ I have all the control, I do not like them that much anyway and I know that I do not have a future with them but it is fun for the time being and they do not have the capacity to hurt me- and that makes me go for guys like that. – Does this make any sense to you?

“Love like you have never been hurt’- Can you do that? For the past few months I could not..but I am willing to try again. I am willing to dust my shoulders, pick my self up and just try again. (yes do you hear that Aaliyah and Timbaland song playing in your head now too?And for me to start with that, I have to get ‘rid of the old, so I have room for the new’.

With the end of this series, I do not want to say that I considered my hot neighborboy to be one of these ‘bitchboys’ but realistically we were not a good match. Where he reminded me of a mixture between Chuck Bass, Harvey Specter and Christian Grey his dominants was not something I could handle nor want in my life. He is a good guy but he is just not the guy for me. And I am not the girl for him.

Therefor, this will be the final chapter in this series. I have decided though that I will continue writing about my (dating) life as I am still the same weird and awkward girl I have always been. I actually have been in some weird situations again and I can not wait to share those with you.

I hope you guys will understand my decision and I actually need your help.. For my new series of columns that will be about me and my (dating) life I need a new name.
Do you have any suggestions? Let me know down below!

The winner / the title I will chose will actually get a really nice gift from me.

Talk to you guys soon. xoxo

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